The Healthy Relationship Questionnaire: Is Yours Healthy... or Not?

Answer each question with a clear yes, no, or sometimes. Use what happens most of the time, not what you wish would happen.

Write down one real example for each answer. For example, do not write, “We communicate well.” Write, “When I said I felt hurt after dinner, she listened and asked what I needed.”

If you live together, think about chores, money, sleep, and time with friends. If you don't live together, think about calls, visits, sex, and how you handle plans.

Your answers should describe actions. A promise is not the same as changed behavior.

A healthy relationship gives both people room to speak. You should be able to say what you think without bracing for a cruel joke, a threat, or days of silence.

Ask yourself:

• Can I tell her when something hurts me?
• Can she tell me when something hurts her?
• Do we listen without cutting each other off?
• Can either of us say, “I need time to think,” without being punished?
• Do we talk about sex, money, family, and plans without one person taking control?
• Can I say no to sex, a visit, or a plan without fear?

Look at what happens after you speak. If you say, “I didn't like how you spoke to me,” does she ask what happened? Does she own her part? Or does she call you weak, bring up five old fights, and tell you that you're too sensitive?

You also need to check your own behavior. If you raise your voice, block the door, grab her phone, or send twenty angry texts, the relationship is not healthy because you feel hurt. Your pain does not give you the right to scare her.

A strong couple can handle a hard talk without trying to win it. The goal is to understand the problem and choose a clear change.

Love does not erase personal limits. Each person still has a body, a phone, money, friends, work, and time alone.

Ask yourself:

• Can I spend time with friends without being accused of cheating?
• Can she spend time with her friends without me checking her phone?
• Do we ask before using each other's money or things?
• Does either person track the other without consent?
• Do we respect a closed door, a need for sleep, or a request for quiet?
• Can either of us leave a tense talk and return to it later?

A limit is not a threat. “I won't stay in a room while you yell” is a limit. “You can't speak to anyone I dislike” is control.

Watch for small acts that reveal a larger problem. She may demand your phone every time you shower. You may complain each time she sees a friend. One act can look minor, but repeated control can make a person feel watched inside their own home.

Healthy couples can have separate lives. You should know who her close friends are, but you do not need a report on every person who spoke to her. She should care about your plans, but she does not own your free time.

Every couple has conflict. Healthy couples repair the damage after a fight. They do not pretend nothing happened or keep score for months.

Ask yourself:

• Do we stay on the topic instead of listing every past mistake?
• Can we stop before one person says something cruel?
• Do we come back to the issue after taking time to cool down?
• Does each person admit fault when fault is clear?
• Do we make a real change after the same fight happens again?
• Can we forgive without using the mistake as a weapon later?

A fair fight sounds like this: “You said you'd call, and you didn't. I felt pushed aside. Next time, send me a short text if your plan changes.”

An unhealthy fight may include name-calling, threats to leave, breaking things, or making the other person beg for contact. It may also look quiet from the outside. One person refuses to speak for several days and uses silence to make the other person panic.

Apologies only count when behavior changes. If she says, “I'm sorry I lied,” then keeps hiding messages, the apology did not fix the problem. If you say, “I'm sorry I yelled,” then yell again each time you feel ignored, the same harm continues.

Ask what happened after the last serious fight. Did both of you learn something and act differently? Or did the same scene happen again?

Strong feelings matter, but daily life matters too. A relationship has to work outside private moments.

Ask yourself:

• Do we want similar levels of contact?
• Do we agree on sex, children, marriage, or living together?
• Do we handle money in a way both people accept?
• Do we make room for each other's work, friends, and family?
• Can I be myself around her without acting like a different man?
• Do I like the man I am when I spend time with her?

You may love a woman and still want different lives. One person may want children while the other never does. One person may want to save money while the other spends every dollar. These are not small details that love will always solve.

You also need to look at your body after time together. Do you leave her home feeling steady and respected? Or do you stare at your phone in the car, trying to work out what you did wrong?

No relationship feels good every day. But most days should not leave you scared, small, or worn down.

If your answers show fear, control, threats, or repeated harm, take those answers seriously. A good week does not erase a bad cycle. A loving moment does not make unsafe behavior safe.