Should You Tell a Woman What You're Looking For on the First Date?

Don't open with it, and don't hide it. Keep the first date light and let it be about whether you enjoy each other. If she asks, give her one honest, easy sentence. If you can tell you want different things, say so early enough that neither of you wastes time.

The advice you'll read online splits on this. Here's what each side says, and how to use both.

Keep it light. Evan Marc Katz, writing to women about telling men what they want, says a first date is for fun. He says bringing up marriage, kids, religion, politics and money makes you "The Interrogator," and that being "honest" this early can sound needy and cost you a second date. He says to share what you want later, once the other person likes you and has something invested.

But don't dodge when she asks. An article from Noomii on how honest to be when a date asks where things are going says not to answer "I don't know," because you probably have some idea. Its suggested answer is that you expect to finish the date, have a good time and go from there. It also says not to ask about the future of the relationship until there is a relationship to ask about.

Say it early if it's a mismatch. Bustle's first-date etiquette list says the first date is the place to bring up your expectations. Its example: if you want something long-term and your date only wants to hook up, you need to know early so you can leave if you need to.

Put together, they give one workable rule: keep your life plan out of the opening, answer honestly when you're asked, and speak up about a real mismatch.

You haven't been asked, and nothing's off. Say nothing about it. Talk about what she likes, what's funny, what she did this week. You're finding out whether you like her, and that's all a first date has to do.

She asks "So what are you looking for?" Answer in one sentence, then ask her back:

• "I'm looking for something real, but I like to let it develop naturally. What about you?"
• "Honestly, I'm here to have a good time tonight and see where it goes. How about you?"

Both are honest, and neither puts her on the spot.

You already know you want something serious, and she mentions she wants something casual. This is the mismatch case. Say it once, calmly, without a speech:

• "I'm dating with the goal of finding something real, so I'd rather be upfront about that."

If she's not looking for the same thing, you'll both know, and you can end the night warmly instead of finding out in three weeks.

Don't announce your whole list. "I'm definitely the kind of guy who needs a serious relationship and wants three kids someday" is a lot to hand a stranger over a drink. Don't open with what you reject, either: "I hate needy women," "I don't do drama," or "I don't date women who are always on their phone." She starts to feel graded instead of enjoyed.

You can keep high standards without saying them out loud. Show them through how you act. If she's late every time, you don't need a speech about respect. You just stop investing so much.

A better line than a list: "I care more about how someone feels to be around than some perfect checklist." It tells her what matters to you without putting her on trial.

There's a reason to keep things loose early. If you arrive with a full template for what she should like, what she should want and what the future should look like, the date feels like a job interview for a role she never applied for. People relax around someone who isn't trying to control the outcome from the first minute. So ask questions that let her show you who she is:

• "What kind of day makes you feel good?"
• "What's something you're weirdly passionate about?"
• "What do you usually look for when you actually like someone?"

The big ones, like "What's your ideal relationship?" and "Do you want kids?", matter. They just come across stiff if you fire them off in the first hour.

Being open doesn't mean being vague about something that decides whether this works. A long-term relationship with someone who wants kids when you don't isn't something to leave fuzzy forever. Raise it once the two of you both like each other, and say it as a plain fact: "I want kids" or "I don't." Said that way, it saves everyone time. Said as a rule aimed at her, it reads like a grievance.

Don't send a paragraph about how rare the connection felt. Keep it short: "Had a good time with you. Let's do it again." If you said you wanted something real, show it by asking for a second date with a specific day. You told her what you want, and now your actions have to back it up.

Take it as information, not an attack. If her list is close to yours, keep going. If it's far from yours, you've just saved yourself a month. You can say "That makes sense. I'm looking for something different," and enjoy the rest of the night.