Is It Worth Starting Something When You're Moving Away Soon?

Often yes, if you tell her the date early and you both know what you're doing. A few months is enough time to find out whether you actually like someone, and a known end date can make a fizzle easier to walk away from. It's a bad idea when one of you wants something lasting, neither of you will do long distance, and nobody has said so.

The move itself isn't the risk. Hiding it, or hoping it will sort itself out, is.

Ask yourself one question before you ask her out: is this for fun and company until I go, or do I want it to last?

• For the time you have. Good. Date, enjoy it, and be clear about it.
• To see if it could last. You need a real plan for distance, or you'll end up with a painful breakup on a date you picked yourself.
• Because you're lonely and it's easy. Be honest about that. You can't ask her to invest more than you're able to give.

Dating advice columnist Meredith Goldstein, answering a reader whose partner of about three months was moving away, said "We're allowed to enjoy relationships even if we know they're not going to last forever." She also pointed out that "you could have your heart broken by someone who lives down the street." An end date doesn't make a relationship worthless. It just makes the terms visible.

If you're the one leaving, tell her before anyone gets attached. Not as a dramatic disclaimer, just as a fact:

• "I'm moving in a few months, so I can't promise anything past that. I like you and I'd like to see you until then."
• "I'm here for about three more months. I'd rather say that now than have it be a surprise."

If you're dating someone who's leaving, ask for the date and ask what they want:

• "When are you moving, and what do you want to do about us when you go?"

Don't hide behind vagueness. "I don't know where this is going, but maybe we should see where it goes" sounds open-minded, but it usually reads as laziness. Be specific: "I'm around for three more nights. If you want to grab a drink, I'd like that."

You don't need a final answer on day one, but you should agree on the options:

1. A clean break at the move. On a forum for a man whose girlfriend was moving away, several people argued that if neither person wants long distance, ending contact when the move happens is the cleanest option. Staying in touch tends to make it harder or slide into long distance by accident.
2. Long distance. Only if both of you want it and can say how often you'll visit.
3. Wait and see. Advice from the same forum: don't decide everything in advance, and see how the separation feels, with no pressure either way. One poster suggested waiting about six weeks before deciding.

If you leave the door open, say it as a decision: "If things still feel this way when I've been gone a while, I'd want to talk about it." Meredith Goldstein gave a similar answer to another reader: tell him you're open to all possibilities for the future.

When a move is on the calendar, people tend to fall faster, because everything feels heightened. Goldstein's advice to one writer was to focus on who he is, not on his departure, and to let the time show whether he's as great as she thinks. She noted the writer might decide later that he isn't as great as she thought, and that would make moving on easier.

So don't treat the first few strong weeks as proof. Ask whether you'd still want to see her if the date weren't on the calendar.

A temporary schedule goes wrong when it's either empty or crammed.

• Set a clear window: "I'm open Tuesday or Thursday evenings," not "I'm free any time all week."
• Leave room for one or two solid plans instead of five rushed ones.
• Don't push for heavy intimacy if you only have a few dates. Don't act like a temporary connection is a future relationship.
• If it's going well, put the next date on the calendar before this one ends.

• Either of you wants a relationship that lasts, and neither will consider distance.
• You'd rather not say the date, which means part of you knows she'd say no.
• You're using it to avoid being alone in a new place. Build a life there first.
• She asks to stop and you keep pushing. Take that as a no.

Pick the option you agreed on and follow it. Don't drift through three weeks of half-contact. Say: "I've loved this. I'm going to stop texting once I move so we both have room. If either of us wants to reach out later, that's fine." Then do what you said.

One caution from that forum: a major move can change how a person behaves, so the harder part may be keeping the relationship ended. Decide how much contact you actually want, and tell her.