Is It OK to Approach a Woman at Barnes and Noble?

Yes, it is OK to approach a woman at Barnes and Noble. It is a store where people browse, chat and wait in the cafe line, so a calm, friendly hello between the shelves is ordinary behavior. What decides whether it feels fine or creepy is how you do it: keep your voice at the volume of the room, let her see you coming, and give her an easy way to get back to her book.

Barnes and Noble is a shop, not a library. Nobody is shushing anyone. Staff chat with customers about what they are reading, people ask each other where a section is, and the cafe tables are full of conversations. Talking to a stranger about books is one of the oldest small talk topics there is.

a dating coach puts the creepy question in a useful place. In his view, the location is rarely what makes an approach creepy. An agenda is. A man who walks over needing something from her, trying to hide what he wants and rushing to get it, comes across badly anywhere. A man who walks over curious to find out whether they get along comes across fine almost anywhere.

So the real question is not whether the bookstore allows it. It is whether you can be relaxed and honest while you do it.

Some moments are not right, even in a store built for browsing.

• She is working. A laptop open on a cafe table, notes spread out, headphones in. She came to get something done.
• She is with someone. A partner, a friend in the middle of a conversation, or her kids. Leave the children's section out of your plans entirely.
• She is reading something personal. If the book in her hand is about grief, illness or a divorce, do not make it your opener, and never joke about it.
• She is on her way out. One book, phone in hand, walking toward the register. A quick, friendly word is fine. A long chat is not.

My advice on not being creepy comes down to calibration. "Always be empathic and aware of the girl's experience," he writes. In a quiet setting that means no big performance that makes everyone in the aisle turn around. He calls the loud, over-the-top style "flash game" and says it looks good on camera but does not work in real life.

In practice:

• Approach from where she can see you, not from behind.
• Stand at a normal distance, not so close she has to step back.
• Speak about as loudly as the room.
• Give her room to answer briefly and go back to browsing if she wants to.

A woman who feels she can leave at any point is far more likely to stay.

You can open on the situation or be direct. Both work in a bookstore.

Situational: "I'm trying to find something good to read this month, and you look like you know what you're doing. What would you grab?" If you really are looking for a book, that is honest, and her answer gives you plenty to react to.

Direct: "Hey, I thought you were cute and wanted to come say hi." In a role-play in My mentorship Q&A set in a Barnes and Noble, a student opened with almost exactly that and then asked what she was browsing. The opener was not the issue. The conversation that followed was a little flat, because he asked question after question instead of teasing her and having fun.

Whichever you choose, turn it into a real conversation quickly. React to what she says, share something of your own, and let yourself be playful.

Sometimes she gives a short, polite answer and looks back at her book. That is a clear and perfectly acceptable signal.

Smile, say "Enjoy the book," and go to a different section or a different floor. Do not hover nearby, and do not come back later in the same visit to try again. Ending it gracefully is part of why approaching in a bookstore is OK in the first place. Nobody walks away feeling cornered.

Knowing it is OK and actually walking over are two different things. The Cold Approach Bootcamp works on the second one, in person and in the field. You approach live, in daygame settings like streets and cafes and in night game settings like bars and lounges, with a coach on hand for live coaching on every approach and feedback after every set.

The program runs in two cities, Miami and New York. Group is three consecutive days with three students to each coach, and Private is just you and your coach for one, two or three days. Every day is two four-hour blocks in the field. Total beginners are welcome, the program specializes in approach anxiety, and you leave with a short written practice plan.