Is Dating Harder for Men Than Women? What the Numbers Say and What to Do

Neither one is clearly harder. Pew Research Center asked single Americans who were looking to date, and single men and women reported the same level of dissatisfaction and the same trouble finding people. What differs is the wall each one hits. Men are more likely to say approaching people is the hard part, and that's the part you can train.

Pew surveyed 4,860 U.S. adults online, before the pandemic. These are the numbers that matter for this question:

• 47% of all adults said dating has gotten harder than it was 10 years ago. 19% said easier, and 33% said about the same.
• Single men and single women who were looking to date were equally dissatisfied with their dating lives, and equally likely to say people are hard to find.
• 65% of single women who were looking said they'd had at least one of six harassing behaviors happen on a date. For single men who were looking, it was 50%.
• Women were about twice as likely as men to say added risk, physical and emotional, is why dating got harder. Men were more likely to blame technology.
• Among daters who had trouble, 46% listed difficulty approaching people. Men were much more likely than women to call that a major reason.
• Single men were far more likely than single women to be looking for a relationship or dates: 61% versus 38%.

A separate piece of survey data shows how much your answer depends on who you ask. An American Survey Center post found that 36% of liberal women say dating is harder for women, and 30% of conservative men say it's harder for men. Each side tends to believe it has the tougher job.

Not everywhere. In three places the work lands on you.

You usually go first. A dating site that reviewed profiles says men are traditionally expected to make the first move, in person and online. That's the site's opinion, not a study, but the Pew result on approaching people points the same way. If you wait to be approached, you may wait a long time.

More men are looking. Look at the 61% and the 38% again. That doesn't prove a woman has an easy time, because risk and harassment are real costs for her. It does mean that a woman who's picky about who she answers may be choosing among a lot of men. If yours reads like everyone else's, it's easy to skip.

Your profile is often thinner. The same dating site says men's profiles are shorter and women write more about their interests. Again, that's an informal read. But a profile with a mirror selfie and one line gives her nothing to reply to.

You'll get further if you stop treating this as a contest. Women in the Pew data reported more harassment and more worry about risk. When a woman takes a long time to say yes to meeting a stranger from an app, she's often not testing you. She may be checking whether she's safe.

That changes what works. Pick a public place for the first date, keep your messages specific and calm, and don't push when she says she'd rather wait. Aim to come across as safe, not clever.

You can't change who's looking or what women prefer. You can change four things.

1. How often you approach. If approaching is the part that's hardest for men, then the man who does it more than the others has an edge. At a party, you don't wait by the wall. You walk up, make a simple comment about the room or the drink in her hand, and see how she answers. Talk to one more person per outing than you did last time.

2. How your profile reads. Use clear photos, a short bio with two or three concrete details, and one question she can answer. "Looking for someone who'd rather hike than go to a loud bar. What's the best trail you've done?" gives her something to reply to. "Love adventure" doesn't.

3. How you handle a no. Most rejection says nothing about your worth. She may be seeing someone, may not feel chemistry, or may just not be in the mood. If you ask a woman to coffee and she says she's busy, offer one alternative: "No problem. Are you free Friday?" If she stays vague, move on. Don't send a long message defending your character.

4. What your week looks like. Picture two men with the same photos. One has a job he cares about, friends he sees, and a weekly hobby. The other has nothing to mention. The first gives her more to reply to. Fix the basics: a haircut that suits your face, clothes that fit you now, decent sleep. Join one thing that meets every week, like a run club or a class, so you have something to talk about besides "What do you do?"

Men often put too much into one conversation. You send a long message, picture the second date, and crash when she doesn't write back. Spread it out instead. Ask more women out, keep each exchange short and light, and don't build a story in your head after three texts.

The men who keep going aren't the ones who never get turned down. They take the no, change one thing, and ask the next woman.

Dating asks more of men at the start: you approach first, you write the message, and you take the first no. It asks different things of women, and some of those are heavier. Spending your energy deciding who has it worse costs you dates. Spend it on the four things above, because they're the only part of this you control.