How Can Improv Skills Make Dates Less Awkward?

Improv makes dates less awkward because it fixes the thing that causes the awkwardness: you're busy planning what to say instead of responding to her. Improvisers practice answering the last thing their partner said, reacting honestly, and staying in the moment. All three work on a date, and none of them needs you to be funny.

Under first-date nerves, people tend to do one of two things. They over-talk to impress her, or they hang back and wait to be asked something. An improv writer on The Free Association's blog quotes relationship coach Claire Thomson on this: "Under first date stress, we all become exaggerated versions of ourselves. Those that talk, talk, and those that hang back, hang back."

Both versions come from the same place. Your attention is on yourself, so the conversation has nobody paying attention to her. Improv pulls your attention back to the person in front of you.

The first rule of improv is to respond to what your partner just said, which means you have to hear it. The Free Association's writer quotes improviser Rob Riggle: "When you improvise, you put a lot of pressure on yourself to create, and to be generating information, and trying to be funny, but if you just listen to what's being said to you, and then react honestly, you generally get better results."

On a date, that sounds like this:

• Her: "I just started learning guitar."
• You: "Nice. What made you pick that up?"

That beats "Oh cool, I used to play in college." Your story can come later. First, let her expand.

Two habits make this easy:

• Ask the second question, not just the first. If she's into photography, don't stop at "cool." Ask what she shoots, what she likes about it, or how she got into it. The second or third question is where the conversation stops being generic.
• Reflect the feeling, not only the facts. If she says, "My boss has been driving me nuts," try, "Sounds like that's wearing you down." You don't need to fix her week. She needs to feel understood.

Improv coach Ali Farahnakian, founder of the People's Improv Theater in New York, trains this with a game: two students hold a conversation in front of the class, and the first one to interrupt loses. You can run a private version on your next date by not interrupting her once. DNAinfo reported his line on this: "People think what they have to say is more important, but there is nothing more important than listening."

"Yes, and" means you accept what your partner offers and add to it, instead of shutting it down. DNAinfo quotes improv coach Evan Barden with a date example: she tells an embarrassing story, and you back her up with one of your own. He says you can get a lot more mileage out of a date if you go down that rabbit hole for a little while.

Here's how it looks:

• Her: "I once got lost for two hours in a grocery store parking garage."
• You: "Ha, I did something like that. I walked up to the wrong car and tried to get in. What happened when you finally found yours?"

You agreed with her, added something of your own, and handed the conversation back.

There's a limit, and the same article names it. Farahnakian says the truth always beats a "yes, and." His example is a date saying let's do some shots when you don't want to. That's when you use "No, thank you." If you're not feeling a second date, "I enjoyed meeting you, but I didn't feel a strong match" is respectful and clean.

DNAinfo quotes improv coach Evan Barden saying improv won't give you a set of never-fail jokes. It teaches you to be truthful. Comedian Jenna Marucci told DNAinfo that her improv date show taught her to "just play it like improv and just be honest and not nervous thinking about the next thing."

In practice, let your face and tone match what you feel. If you're enjoying yourself, say so: "I'm glad we did this." If you're amused, laugh. If you disagree, say it plainly and keep it friendly. Waiting three hours to answer a text so you seem busy is the opposite of improv. It adds a guessing game to a night that was supposed to be easy.

The Free Association writer's advice for nerves is to stop worrying about what to say next and stay fully focused on what is happening right now.

A few things to do with your attention:

• Look at her when she talks, instead of at your drink.
• Greet her warmly when you meet. A quick "Hey, good to see you," said like you mean it, does more than a polished opener.
• Skip the interview question. "So what do you do?" in an HR voice is weak. "How do you know the host?" or "What was the best part of your week?" is easier to answer and more human.

If she stumbles over her words or goes quiet, be patient. A calm smile and a little time can save a conversation that a rushed question would end.

An improviser writing in The Bold Italic offers three games for a date that's going downhill. Start by saying, "Hey, I have an idea!" as if it's the best one you've had.

First Letter, Last Letter. Each of you takes the last word the other said and uses it as the first word of your next sentence. For example: "Chocolate is my favorite food." "Food makes me feel so happy when I enjoy it with my mom." "Mom used to find me hiding in the snack closet eating candy." The game shows how often we don't listen to the whole sentence, and it's funny because people end up sounding like Yoda.

Convergence. Make eye contact, each think of a word, count to three, and say your words at the same time. If they don't match, say a word that connects the two you just heard. Keep going until you say the same word together.

One-Word Story. Build a story one word at a time. The writer says she played it on a double date after the energy dropped and the conversation drifted into heated discussions, and the mood shifted from dreadful to playful.

Use these only when the date is dull, not when it's going well, and drop them if she isn't into it.

Not every date works. If the connection isn't there, you can still keep it warm and honest. Ask real questions, stay curious, and don't punish her for being awkward. Then leave the way you'd want someone to leave you: kind and clear.

Pay attention, say what's true, and keep it light. That is what improvisers do on stage, and it's what makes a date easy.