How to Get a Shy Woman to Open Up on a Date

Don't point out that she's quiet. Start with easy topics, ask about things she enjoys, share a little about yourself, and let her go at her own pace. A shy woman can open up once the pressure drops and she can tell you're glad she's there.

Don't say "Why are you so quiet?" Pointing at her shyness puts her on the spot and can make it bigger. Don't read her silence as disinterest either. A quiet, slightly awkward manner doesn't tell you whether she's into you.

Also skip the pressure moves: heavy questions, a stream of rapid ones, or a push for deep talk in the first half hour.

Wingman's guide on helping a shy date has these tips:

• Arrive relaxed. Give yourself time to get ready so you're calm when you meet. Your ease helps her settle.
• Open with something she likes. If you already know she swims, ask whether she went swimming this weekend.
• Keep it simple. Don't push for deep conversation early on.
• Have backup topics. A film you've both seen or a show she's watching is easy ground.
• Give one real compliment. Praise something you actually like, such as her taste in films. Fake compliments are easy to spot.
• Show empathy for the nerves. Wingman says acknowledging that she might be nervous can boost her confidence. Do it without naming her shyness: "No rush, I'm glad we're here."

An AJC article on overcoming shyness in dating adds two more: lead with a question instead of a clever line, and make a simple observation about where you are, like the coffee, instead of a cheesy opener.

Wingman's advice is to open with a topic she enjoys, and the AJC piece says a question about her keeps the focus off impressing you and gives her room to talk.

Try:

• "What do you do when you want to switch off?"
• "What got you into that?"
• "What was the best part of your week?"

Then follow what she says. If she mentions a hobby, ask what she likes about it instead of moving on to a new topic. Short answers are normal. Take them and ask one more small question.

The AJC article says shyness and discomfort increase when your focus is on yourself, so engaging with what she's saying helps both of you. It quotes Amoha Bajaj-Mahajan's advice: "Shift your focus to the other person." It also warns against guessing what she's thinking, since mind reading is usually wrong and distracting.

You don't need to disappear. Share a sentence or two about you and hand it back:

• Her: "I love hiking." You: "I'm not a hardcore hiker, but I like somewhere quiet with a good view. What kind of trails do you like?"

Wingman suggests a self-deprecating story if she gets tongue-tied, such as a time you froze during a presentation. My take: it tells her it's fine to be imperfect and gives her something to react to without needing to perform.

The AJC article suggests light humor and relaxed body language: smile, walk at an easy pace, sit comfortably, and tell a joke or two to ease tension.

Be patient. Opening up takes time, so don't judge her by the first hour. Keep the date easy, thank her for coming, and if you liked her, suggest a second one built around something she told you she enjoys.