How to Date a Woman Who Has Trust Issues From Past Relationships

Be consistent, be honest, and be patient. Do what you say you'll do, tell her early when plans change, and don't take her caution as an accusation. You can't fix her trust for her. That's her work, usually with a therapist. Your job is to be a man who keeps proving it's safe, and to walk away if her caution turns into control.

Bustle says trust issues can come from childhood, such as a parent who made promises and didn't show up, or from past relationships, such as being cheated on. After that she may be slower to open up with a new man.

In daily life it can look like:

• She needs reassurance more often than you expect.
• She pulls back when things get close.
• She assumes the worst with little evidence.
• She tests whether you'll stay the same from week to week.

Spark Relational Counseling, a counseling practice, says this kind of guardedness is a protective response and not a personal attack on you. That doesn't mean everything she does is fine. It means her reaction is usually about her history, not about something you did this week.

1. Do what you say you'll do. Bustle says little things like being on time and calling when you say you'll call can matter a great deal to her. Call when you say you'll call. If you can't, tell her before she has to ask.

2. Tell her early when plans change. Spark's advice is to communicate changes early, because vague details leave her filling the blanks with the worst version. A text like "Running 20 minutes late, traffic. I'll be there by 7:30" does more than any reassurance.

3. Be open, not secretive. A psychotherapist quoted by Bustle says that checking your phone in a hidden way, or disappearing for hours without a word, raises red flags. The same goes for being warm one week and distant the next. You don't owe her your passwords. You do owe her ordinary openness.

4. Ask her what helps. Spark suggests asking directly: "What do you need from me right now to feel safe?" Then listen before you argue with the answer. When she's scared, Spark says "I hear how scary this is for you, and I'm right here" works better than defending yourself.

5. Go slow. Spark says not to demand immediate, total trust from her. Show up consistently each time she takes a small step, and those steps add up. Bustle says you can't just say "you can trust me" and expect a turnaround, and that setbacks will happen and may hurt your partner as much as they hurt you.

6. Open up yourself. A clinical social worker quoted by Bustle says trust is built over time, and Bustle adds that sharing your own past and feelings shows her it's safe to open up too.

• Don't try to be her therapist. Bustle's advice is to be a supporter, not a fixer. Therapy gives her tools for telling what happened before from what's happening now. If she doesn't want to talk about therapy with you, be fine with that.
• Don't get defensive every time she's nervous. Spark's advice is to validate her feelings instead of defending yourself. Answer the worry once, plainly, then go back to being consistent.
• Don't test her back. Staying distant to see how she reacts is how a small problem becomes a big one.
• Don't lie to keep the peace. A lie she finds out about later confirms exactly what she already fears.

Here's the question that decides whether it's worth the effort. It isn't what she says about her past. It's how she acts now.

Usually workable:

• She says, "My ex lied a lot, so I'm slow to trust," and she's clear about what helps.
• She talks about her exes with some nuance, not cartoon hatred.
• She can disagree without melting down.
• She respects your boundaries, even when she's disappointed.
• She's working on it, in therapy or on her own.

Usually not:

• She's still hung up on an ex.
• Every ex, friend, boss and family member is "toxic," and she takes no part of it.
• She rushes close, then pulls away the moment things get real.
• She wants you to read her mind: "If you really cared, you'd know what I need."
• She expects you to heal wounds she won't work on.

A simple test: does her baggage stay in the past, or does it move into your daily life? A woman who says "I'm slow to trust" and communicates clearly is very different from a woman who says "I don't trust men" and then demands your phone, accuses you of cheating for being busy, and tests you every other week. The second one costs you time and peace every week.

Bustle draws a hard line. A partner who is afraid you'll leave is one thing. A partner who monitors your calls, tells you who you can't see, and keeps accusing you of cheating is another. A psychotherapist quoted there defines abuse as any controlling behavior that doesn't let you be your authentic self, and Bustle says that if trust issues turn into power and control over you, the answer is often to leave. You can be patient and still say, "I'll answer a worry. I won't be investigated."

Look at how your own life is going. If you feel you're always proving yourself, or your world is getting smaller because of her, that matters.

Ask about character, not baggage. Everyone has baggage.

Date her if:

• she's self-aware and takes responsibility
• she's working on it
• her past explains her behavior but doesn't excuse bad behavior
• being with her feels mostly peaceful

Walk away if:

• you're being judged for what her ex did
• you keep thinking, "Once she heals, she'll be perfect"
• you're attracted to the drama more than to her

That last one is a trap. Potential is often just a current problem with better lighting.

Don't date her past. Date how she acts with you, and keep your own side clean.