How to Bring Up Condoms and STI Testing With a New Partner

Bring it up before sex, in a private moment when neither of you is undressed. Say that you use condoms and want you both tested, and treat it as something you do for your own health, not something you suspect her of. Tell her when you were last tested first, then ask when she was.

The best time is early, away from the bedroom. Harvard Health says to raise it early in the relationship, in a private moment that isn't sexual. LetsGetChecked says to avoid having the talk directly before or after sex. Fraser Health says to bring it up as soon as you can.

That rules out two moments men use by default: the hallway on the way to her bedroom, and the couch with her shirt half off. Once sex has started, nobody wants to hit the brakes, so the answer drifts toward whatever keeps things moving.

Good moments look like this:

• Texting the day before a date you expect to go somewhere.
• Walking back from dinner.
• Sitting in your car or on her couch, fully dressed, with nothing happening yet.

If you've already had sex, say it anyway. Fraser Health says it's still a good idea for everyone involved to get tested.

Frame it as your own habit. Harvard Health says to present it as part of looking after your health, so it doesn't sound like an accusation. Fraser Health lists wording like this:

• "Let's both get tested to care for our health. Either of us could have something and not know it."
• "Just so you know, the last time I got tested was 3 months ago. What about you?"
• "I think we should both get checked. Want to go together?"

Here's how that sounds in a real moment. You're walking back from dinner on the third date and it's clear where the night is heading. You say, "Before anything happens tonight, I want to tell you I always use condoms with someone new, and I got tested a few months ago. Have you been tested lately?" Then you stop talking and let her answer.

Going first does most of the work. LetsGetChecked says that sharing your own history helps your partner feel comfortable doing the same. You've put your information on the table before asking for hers.

If you're nervous, say so: "This is a little awkward to bring up, but I'd rather say it now than guess." A clumsy version still beats saying nothing.

Don't phrase condoms as a question she has to approve. Say what you do: "I use a condom with anyone new until we've both been tested." The NHS goes further: no sex, oral sex included, without a condom or dental dam until you've both had a check-up or been tested. Fraser Health says condoms are very effective at preventing STIs and HIV.

A few condom basics still matter, and the NHS covers them:

• Check the use-by date. An expired condom may not be effective.
• Don't open the wrapper with your teeth. It could rip the condom.
• Hold the tip to squeeze out the air.
• Put it on before the penis touches the vagina or anus.
• Use water-based or silicone-based lube with latex condoms, never oil-based.
• Use a new condom every time you have sex.
• If a condom splits or comes off, get urgent help from a pharmacist, sexual health clinic, 111 or a GP.

Keep a few within reach before the date, not after it starts. Fraser Health makes the same point: planning ahead and keeping condoms easy to reach makes this simpler.

"I'll get tested" doesn't count until there's a date. Harvard Health lists two options: go together to a doctor's office, urgent care, or pharmacy-based clinic, or each get tested separately and share results before you get intimate. LetsGetChecked adds that once you agree on regular screening, you have to follow through and actually go.

Two things to know before you lean on a result:

1. Tests have a delay. The NHS says an STI can take up to 7 weeks after unprotected sex to show up on a test. So "I tested negative last month" says little if she had a new partner two weeks ago. Ask when the test happened, and whether anything happened after it.
2. Many STIs have no symptoms. The CDC says STIs often have no symptoms, so you may not know you have one. That's why a partner who looks healthy and feels healthy can still carry something. The NHS says the same.

The CDC also says everyone ages 13 to 64 should be tested at least once for HIV. It says sexually active women under 25 should be tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia every year. For men who have sex with men with multiple or anonymous partners, it says every 3 to 6 months. If oral or anal sex is part of your life, the CDC says to discuss throat and rectal testing with your provider. A standard panel may not cover what you assume, so ask what was tested.

She goes quiet or looks uncomfortable. Slow down and take the pressure off: "I'm not accusing you of anything. I ask everyone this, and I'm happy to answer it myself." Give her a day if she needs it.

She says she's clean. You can't see an infection, and she may not know. Stay friendly: "I believe you. Many STIs have no symptoms, so I'd still like us both to get checked first."

She says she doesn't like condoms. Plenty of people don't. You can say, "That's fair. I still use them until we've both tested, and we can talk again after that." The preference is real, but it doesn't change what you need before sex.

She gets angry or defensive. That tells you something. A calm question about health gets a calm answer from someone who's ready for sex with a new person. If every honest attempt ends in pressure, you've learned how she handles a reasonable request, and that matters beyond tonight.

You don't want to bring it up at all. If you can't ask a direct question with your clothes on, you aren't ready for sex with a new person.

The NHS says to avoid sex, oral sex included, until you've had a check-up or been tested, and until treatment is finished. It also says to tell current and previous partners if you test positive, so they can get checked too. Say it plainly and without blame: "I tested positive for [the infection]. I wanted you to hear it from me so you can get tested." Don't wait for a better time. Symptoms to take seriously include unusual discharge, pain when peeing, a rash, itching, or blisters, sores or warts around the genitals or anus, and you shouldn't wait for your next planned test.

One awkward conversation costs you ten minutes. Skipping it can cost you far more.