How to Ask a Woman What Kind of Relationship She Wants

Ask her in person, after you have seen her a handful of times, and go first. Say what you are looking for in one plain sentence, then ask what she is looking for. Then watch whether her behavior matches her answer over the next few weeks. A man who asks this way gets a real answer. A man who asks "so what are we?" on the second date usually gets a polite dodge, because she does not know yet either. This holds for dating apps, where your matches arrive wanting very different things, as much as for anyone you meet elsewhere.

a dating coach explains relationships as a negotiation between two ranges. You want something between here and here: maybe casual and fun at one end, a committed girlfriend at the other. She wants something between her own two points. If the ranges overlap, you will land somewhere inside the overlap. If they do not overlap at all, one of you will be disappointed no matter how well the dates go.

That means you cannot ask a good question until you know your own answer. Most men skip this and ask the question to find out what they think. Spend ten minutes beforehand. Would you be glad if she said she was seeing other people? Do you want to see her twice a week or once a month? Does the idea of calling her your girlfriend feel good, or like a door closing?

coach makes a point that surprises many men. Whoever brings up "what are we" usually has less power in that conversation. The person who raises it is the person who wants the answer the most at that moment, and that is the worst moment to negotiate.

So do not ask out of anxiety. Ask when you would be fine with either answer. If you are asking because you are afraid she will leave, wait until you are less afraid. A calm man who states what he wants and is fine hearing "not the same thing" is far more attractive than a man who needs her to say yes.

Going first also takes pressure off her. Women often will not raise it until they feel attached and think it will go well. When you say it first, plainly, she can answer honestly without taking the risk of speaking first.

The easiest relationship to keep is the one you started out acting like you were in. My view is that the status quo is easier to maintain than a change to it.

So let your behavior from the first dates show the kind of relationship you want. If you want something serious, talk about your friends who are in good relationships and invite her into your normal life. If you want something light, do not start with sleepovers and daily check-ins you will later want to cut back. coach says going backwards is very hard. If the relationship becomes more serious and then you pull it back, she will feel it as a loss, and she will not like it.

This matters on dating apps too. People arrive there wanting very different things, and a first date tells you almost nothing about which kind of person you are sitting across from. Do not assume.

Not on the first date, and not by text. A good time is after several dates, when she has shown steady interest by making time for you and suggesting plans herself. If you have a strong preference, ask before the two of you become physically close, because that is when a mismatch hurts most.

Pick a calm moment where you can both hear each other: a walk, a quiet table, a drive. Not the end of a loud night.

Keep it short, and put yourself first.

• "I'm enjoying this, and I'm looking for something serious. What are you looking for right now?"
• "I like where this is going. I'm not looking to date anyone else. How about you?"
• "I'm not looking for anything serious right now. I'd rather say so than leave you guessing. Is that okay with you?"

Then stop talking. Do not fill the silence by softening what you said.

Take her words at face value, and then check them.

If her range overlaps yours, say so and enjoy it. If she says "I'm not sure" or "let's see where it goes," she is telling you she is not there yet. That is a fair answer. It is not a promise.

If she wants more than you do, tell her honestly that you are not there. Letting her hope for a relationship you do not intend to offer is the one cruel thing you can do here.

If she wants less than you do, believe her and decide whether you want what she is offering. Do not try to talk her into more.

Words are the opening, and behavior is the proof. A woman who wants a relationship makes plans with you, answers in good time, brings you into her life, and talks about next month. A woman who wants it light is warm but vague, and plans stay short-term.

Give it two or three weeks. If her actions match her answer, you have your answer. If they do not, believe the actions. Then decide what you want to do about it, calmly, and ask her once more only if something truly changed.