How to Ask a Woman About Her Day

Ask about something specific, or guess at her day and let her correct you, then add one line about yours. "How was your day?" gets "fine, you?" because it asks her to summarize twelve hours. "Did the dentist appointment go better than you feared?" or "You sound like someone who has been in meetings since nine" gives her one easy thing to react to, and a reason to keep talking.

"How was your day?" is a fine question between people who already talk every night. From a man who is still earning her interest, it is the same thing everyone else sends. It gives her no picture to react to, so she gives the smallest reply that is polite.

My rule about questions applies here. When you ask, you are taking value out of the conversation and hoping she supplies the interesting part. He wants your questions to carry some insight or personality of their own, so she has something to respond to. The same goes for texts.

Put a bit of your personality into every message, and skip the stock questions everybody else sends.

Specific beats general, and the specific thing is usually already in your chat.

• "You had that presentation today. Did you survive it?"
• "Did your sister's cat ever come out from under the couch?"
• "Is the new place still too quiet for you, or are you getting used to it?"

This also proves you listen. Remembering what she said last time is rarer than a clever line, and she notices.

If you have nothing specific to refer to, do what coach suggests: turn the question into a guess about her. Making a guess shows a point of view, and it gives her something to correct.

• "My theory is you have spent the day answering emails and thinking about dinner."
• "You strike me as a person who had three coffees and one real conversation today. Close?"
• "I am guessing Tuesday was a Tuesday. Am I wrong?"

A guess makes a small game of the question. If she says "no, actually..." you now have her telling you about her day in her own words.

One reason this question stalls is that it only goes one way. After you ask, add something of yours.

• "I spent the day arguing with a printer. The printer won. How was yours?"
• "Mine was mostly spent trying to find a parking spot. Tell me yours is better."

Keep it to one or two lines. My texting law is one or two ideas per exchange, and short enough that she can answer in the same time it took you to read it. A wall of text about your day reads as needy and heavy.

If she tells you the day was awful, do not rush to fix it, and do not make a joke at once. Say one warm thing first: "That sounds draining. What was the worst part?" Then listen. After she has talked, you can lighten it: "Right. You deserve a very large dinner."

You are showing you can be someone she wants to talk to at the end of a hard day. That is a stronger position than being a source of advice.

A one-word reply is not a rejection. She may be busy, tired or at work. Do not send three more questions. Send one light line that does not ask for anything: "Fair enough. I will save my questions for later." Then let it rest for a few hours.

If her answers stay short for days and she asks you nothing back, she may not be interested. Stop pushing and do something that has nothing to do with her.

If your real aim is to learn who she is, the day is only a door. Walk through it.

• Ask what she liked about the part she enjoyed.
• Ask what she would change about it.
• Ask about the person in the story.

Those follow-ups turn a report of events into a feeling, and feelings are what make a conversation go somewhere. Once she is talking about something she cares about, you are doing the hard part right, and you can ask her to meet.