How to Act Around a Woman's Male Best Friend

Act like a relaxed, friendly guy who isn't competing. Say hello, ask him one or two real questions, let him talk, and keep your attention from locking onto her all night. Don't try to beat him, impress him, or win his approval. You're not auditioning. You're showing you're easy to have around.

Before you decide how to act, figure out which of three guys you're dealing with.

The platonic friend. He's known her for years and he's looking out for her. According to Succeed Socially, a man who is only a friend should get along with the other men in her life.

The protective friend. He's seen her through bad jobs, bad dates and bad breakups. He's scanning for whether you're respectful, whether you listen, and whether you're a drama-maker or someone who adds value.

The friend who likes her. A piece on platonic male friendships says men more often see a friendship as a possible route to dating, though it adds that individual men vary a lot. It lists signs: he goes quiet or grumpy when she flirts with another guy in front of him, or he pulls away once she starts a relationship, though a friend who pulls away may simply be respecting her partner.

You can't read this from one evening. Give it a few meetings before you decide.

Be relaxed, not stiff. Smile, make eye contact and join the conversation. You don't need a perfect joke. You need normal warmth. If he asks how you know her, keep it short: "We met through [context], and I liked her sense of humor right away." Don't tell a seven-minute story.

Ask real questions. Ask about work, sports, music, whatever's natural. If he's quiet, don't interrogate him. If he's loud, don't try to out-loud him. Match his energy without copying it.

Treat him like a person. One column about handling a girlfriend's male best friend makes a point worth remembering: she didn't choose her friend with you in mind. Her friend's gender doesn't make him a threat.

Small gestures count. One Fox News Q&A on meeting a girlfriend's friends says to show interest in the friends themselves, even in small ways like buying a round of drinks, and to be yourself. It isn't about male friends specifically, but the point carries over.

Meet him instead of imagining him. The same column on a girlfriend's male best friend says meeting him replaces imagined fears with reality, and the only real warning sign is if she doesn't want the two of you to meet.

• Are you respectful?
• Are you secure, or needy and performing?
• Do you listen, or wait for your turn to talk?
• Are you the same man every time?
• Will being around you be pleasant or tiring?

That's all. It isn't a secret test. It's whether you add value or create drama.

Sometimes it's a joke at your expense or a question about your intentions. Don't get defensive. Use calm humor and stay composed.

Friend: "So are you just here for the free drinks and my friend?" You: "The drinks are a nice bonus. I'm mostly here to see if she's as funny as advertised."

Friend: "So what are your intentions with her?" You: "To see if she can keep up with my terrible taste in movies."

Both answers are light and acknowledge the question without acting cornered.

• Compete. You're not trying to be the funniest or the most dominant man in the room. Confidence is quiet. Insecurity is loud.
• Suck up. Treat him like a real person, not a gatekeeper. If it looks like you're begging for his endorsement, it reads as insecurity.
• Act jealous. If you visibly resent the guy friends in her life, you look insecure and controlling. The column on a girlfriend's male best friend also warns against acting alpha or controlling, against comparing yourself to him, and against antagonizing him, which it says is likely to make things worse.
• Flirt in a way that makes the group stare at their drinks. Mild flirting is fine: "You're trouble, aren't you?" with a smile, then move on. A five-minute teasing routine is not.
• Talk only to her. If you ignore everyone else, they notice. Be a good guest.
• Fish for information. Don't try to extract details about her dating history from her friends. It's creepy and makes you look untrustworthy.
• Overshare. Keep early meetings light.
• Wave off their history. If they bring up old stories, say "That sounds like a fun group," not "Oh, I'm not worried about them." The second one sounds worried.

Don't assume it, and don't treat him as the enemy. If he really does like her, hating him for it makes things worse. That column suggests talking to him first and hearing his side. If you're serious about her, be honest and direct with her about wanting to take her out. Don't sit around waiting for him to move out of the way.

First impressions matter, but consistency matters more.

• Be reliable. Say what you mean and show up on time.
• Be respectful when she's not around. Be kind to everyone, not only when it helps you.
• Let time work. One good meeting doesn't make you accepted. A few easy, low-drama ones often do. If he doesn't become your friend, but later says you seemed solid, that's a win.

1. Greet everyone normally, him included.
2. Ask him one or two real questions.
3. Keep your body language open.
4. Treat her well, without making the night about her.
5. Leave before you get needy, sloppy or too eager.