How to Achieve Your Goals for 2014

“Get a girlfriend” is a result. You can want it, but you can’t control when a woman agrees to date you.

You can control how often you speak to women. You can control how many dates you ask for. You can control whether you send five weak texts or one clear message.

Pick one number for the next four weeks. For example:

• Start five conversations each week.
• Ask two women for coffee each week.
• Go on one date each week.
• Send three messages to women you already met.

Pick one main goal. Do not make a list with ten numbers. You’ll miss one prize, feel bad, and quit all of them.

If you want a relationship, a good first goal is simple: speak to five new women each week. This gives you more chances to meet someone. It also gives you practice staying calm while you talk.

Write the number on paper. Put the paper in your wallet. After each conversation, mark one line. You should know exactly how many times you took action.

Most men set a goal that starts too far ahead. They say, “I’ll get a woman’s number tonight.” Then they walk past every woman they want to meet because they’re focused on the number.

Make the first step smaller.

Your first job is to say one clear sentence. You can say, “You look like you’re having a good time. What are you celebrating?” at a bar. You can say, “I like your jacket. Where did you get it?” in a coffee shop.

Then listen to her answer. Ask one more question if she gives you a real answer.

Your goal for that conversation is not to make her fall for you. Your goal is to stay in the conversation for two minutes. If she smiles, asks you something, and keeps her body turned toward you, you can ask for her number.

Say, “I’ve enjoyed talking with you. Let’s get coffee. What’s your number?”

That sentence works better than a long speech. She knows why you’re asking. You know what you want. If she says no, you thank her and walk away. You still completed the hard part. You spoke to her.

A goal stays weak when it lives in your head. Put each action on your calendar.

Choose two places where you already spend time. You might use a coffee shop after work and a bar on a busy evening. You might use a park, a book shop, or a class.

Give yourself a clear task for each visit. For example:

“Speak to one woman before I leave.”

That task is better than “meet someone.” You can finish it without waiting for the perfect woman to appear.

Before you enter, check three things. Your shirt should be clean. Your hair should be in place. Your phone should stay in your pocket while you speak to her.

Walk in and look around. If you see a woman you want to meet, approach within a few seconds. Waiting gives your mind time to invent reasons to stay quiet.

You don’t need a perfect opening line. Use what you can see.

“You’re reading the menu like it has a trick question on it.”

“That drink looks good. What did you order?”

“You have a great laugh. What were you talking about?”

Then stop talking. Let her answer.

A woman saying no does not tell you that you’re worthless. It tells you that she didn’t want to continue that conversation.

After each attempt, write down three facts:

• Where you met her.
• What you said.
• What she did next.

One of our students once wrote, “I asked for her number after forty seconds. She gave it to me, but my request sounded rushed.” The next time, he talked for a few minutes before asking. His request sounded natural because he had already shared a real exchange with her.

You may find a different problem. Perhaps you only approach women when you’ve had two drinks. Perhaps you ask for a number before she asks you anything. Perhaps your texts contain long blocks of words and no clear plan.

Change one thing at a time. If your texts are weak, send shorter messages and suggest a place to meet.

Instead of writing, “Hey, how’s your week going? I’ve been busy with work and trying to get out more. What have you been up to?” write:

“Good talking with you. Coffee near the park on Thursday?”

If she says yes, set a time and place. If she gives a vague answer, don’t send five more messages. Leave the ball with her and speak to someone new.

You won’t want to approach every time. Your stomach may tighten. Your palms may sweat. You may stand near the door and stare at your phone.

Use a rule that does not depend on feeling ready. Say one sentence to the first woman you want to meet. You can leave after that if you choose.

Most of the time, the first approach is the worst one. Your shoulders drop after you speak. Your voice sounds more normal. The second woman gets a more relaxed version of you.

Your goal is not to control every result. Your goal is to become a man who takes the action he chose, even when his feet want to stay still. That is how a number on paper turns into a real date.