Do Women Settle for a Man They're Not Attracted To?

Some women do, and so do some men. Research led by Stephanie Spielmann at the University of Toronto found that people who fear being single most are more likely to stay in unsatisfying relationships and to be less selective about who they date. It found men and women fear being single to the same degree, so the fear itself isn't a female trait. The studies describe people in general, not women specifically, and none of the pages I read tested security or money as a reason. They tested fear of being single.

The same fear changes what she'll accept from you, and it's worth knowing how to tell it from real interest.

Summaries of the study from NBC News and Psychology Today describe several experiments:

• People who scored higher on a fear-of-being-single scale were more likely to stay in unsatisfying relationships.
• They were less selective about partners on online dating and at speed-dating events.
• They showed more romantic interest in unattractive partners. Psychology Today's summary says people with this fear describe having high standards, but their behavior is less selective.
• In one experiment, fearful participants stayed interested in profiles of people who seemed unkind, even though they recognized those people were less likely to have a lasting relationship.
• Spielmann said these people seem to want a relationship so badly that they overlook some warning signs.
• Men and women showed no difference in their levels of fear of being single.

Treat this as one research group's findings, read through news and magazine summaries, not as the final word.

A follow-up study, summarized on Poly.land, found that people could tell when someone feared being single, and that more fear made a person look less desirable. The same summary says it wasn't necessarily a dealbreaker, especially if the other person was also scared of being alone.

The takeaway cuts both ways: if you're afraid of being single yourself, other people may pick up on it.

You can't read her mind, but you can watch her actions when something costs her.

When something is free and easy, almost anyone can look interested. Real interest shows when it costs her something.

• She makes room. She says: "I can't do Thursday, but I'm free Sunday after 3." That's effort.
• She keeps it vague. She says she wants to see you, but never commits, never follows through, and only reaches out when she's bored. She may like the access more than she likes you.
• She tells you what she wants, then does something else. Watch the behavior, not the label. Someone who says she's "too busy to date" but always finds time for the man who gives her chemistry and a nice dinner is being selective, not confused.

People organize their behavior around what they value. If she wants what you provide more than she wants you, that will show over time.

Don't treat what she did five months ago as who she is. Desire changes with context. A woman who wanted fun and spontaneity when dating was casual may start asking direct questions about your work, your plans and whether you want kids. Her priorities shifted. She didn't turn fake.

If someone is willing to settle, the risk to you is being the person she settles for. You can protect yourself with a few simple moves.

1. Know what you offer. Funny, steady, decisive, reliable, attractive. Pick the real ones. "How do I make her like me?" is the weaker question. "What am I adding that makes this worth continuing?" is the useful one.
2. Keep a life of your own. If your whole week bends around her schedule, you've given her an incentive to keep taking without investing.
3. Don't reward low-cost interest. She can enjoy flirting, validation and emotional support without wanting to build anything. If that's what you're getting, slow down.
4. Ask directly. After a few dates, say: "I'm interested in seeing where this goes. Are you?" Whatever she says, her next actions will tell you more than the answer does.

If she wants boyfriend treatment without boyfriend behavior

Say she calls late at night only when she's lonely, then disappears for days. Be pleasant and less available. Or say she expects you to plan, pay and pursue while contributing almost nothing. You don't need a speech. Make a decision: either she meets you in the middle or she doesn't get full access.

This isn't about punishing her. A good relationship needs mutual effort, and if the exchange is lopsided early, it tends to stay that way.

"She's just scared." "She's busy." "She's complicated." Sometimes that's true. Often it's a comforting story that lets you skip the facts.

Ask whether her behavior is consistent, mutual and costly enough to show real interest. If it isn't, don't build a relationship out of a few late-night texts. If she wants you, it will usually show.