Dating a Woman Who Doesn't Text Much

A girl who does not text much is often just not a phone person, and her short replies say little about how she feels about you. Judge her by what she does: whether she makes plans, shows up and enjoys the time. My view is that a lack of communication is not a problem as long as it is not hurting your life, so the useful questions are practical, not emotional.

Not texting much covers very different situations. Sort yours.

• She is brief but warm. Short replies, an emoji, a quick joke, and she is great in person.
• She is slow but steady. She answers in hours, not minutes, and always answers.
• She is quiet, then plans. Little text, but she suggests meeting up and follows through.
• She is fading. Replies get shorter and later, she stops asking questions and plans stop coming.

The first three are habits. The fourth is a change. What counts is the direction over a couple of weeks, not any single slow day.

In his ranking of female red flags, coach says that a slow reply is not a problem. The condition is that the lack of communication is not really hurting your life and there is no weird factor behind it. If you are hanging out and talking and it is good, he calls it a green flag and tells you to get over your ego. He draws a line at inconvenience: if you set a date for seven and she does not text all day and then no-shows, that is a real issue.

That gives you a clean test. Is her low texting making your actual life harder, such as cancelled plans and no confirmation? Or is it only that you wish you got more? The first is worth raising. The second is mostly about your own reaction.

You may be part of the equation. Check yourself against My habits for high value texting. He lists sending very long messages, sending several in a row, and replying within seconds every single time while she takes a day as low value, needy behaviors. A man who does all three can push a quiet texter further away.

Try this instead:

• Send fewer, better texts. One idea per message, ideally something she can answer in a line.
• Stop matching her silence with volume. If she has not replied, do not follow up with three more.
• Use texts to arrange, not to build. A line like "Free Thursday evening? There's a place I want to try." does more than an hour of chat.
• Reply on your own schedule. coach notes that a busy man who gets a text while in the middle of something puts the phone in his pocket and answers later.

If she is a bad texter, you lose nothing by meeting more and texting less. Suggest a call or a plan.

• "Easier to talk than text. Mind if I call you Sunday afternoon?"
• "I'm bad at texting back and forth. Dinner Friday?"

Many low-text women love a quick call or a plan and drop away only when the conversation stays in a chat box. If she says yes, you have your answer.

Check these instead of her reply speed:

• Does she say yes to plans and show up?
• Does she ask you something back when you do talk?
• Does she start contact sometimes, even rarely?
• Is she affectionate and engaged in person?

If most are yes, relax. If most are no, the texting is a symptom, and you should have a direct conversation or move on.

You are allowed to want more contact. Say it lightly and once:

"I like talking to you. I'd love a bit more of a check-in during the week, even a short one. What works for you?"

Then listen. Some women will gladly send a good-morning text once you ask. Some will tell you honestly that this is how they are. Both answers help. What you should not do is punish her with silence or sarcasm for how she texts.

• She never initiates anything, in text or in person.
• She keeps cancelling and offering vague alternatives.
• Your questions about plans go unanswered for days.
• You feel anxious most of the time you are talking to her.

You can still be kind about it. Tell her you are looking for more consistency and step back. A woman who wants you around will find a way to say so.

Low texting is a style until proven otherwise. Look at what she does, text with less weight, move to plans and calls, and say what you need once. Most men who worry about this are reading too much into the phone and too little into the time they actually spend together.