Dating a Woman Who Doesn't Drink

Dating a girl who does not drink changes the setting more than the substance. Skip the bar-first plan, pick something with a drink-free draw like food, a walk or an activity, and do not make a big deal of her choice. She has her reasons, which may be health, faith, taste, family or history, and she has no obligation to explain them to you on a first date.

The most common mistake is the interrogation. "Wait, you don't drink at all? Why not?" puts her on the spot and makes her choice into a topic.

She may have given the answer a hundred times and be tired of it. If she wants to share, she will. If you are curious, wait until the conversation has warmed and ask in a relaxed way: "Is that a long-standing thing for you?" Then let her answer as much or as little as she likes.

Never joke that she is "no fun" or try to get her to have just one. Pressure around alcohol is exactly what a woman who does not drink has learned to watch for, and it tells her a lot about you.

A bar date makes drinking the activity. Choose a setting where the attraction can come from the two of you.

• Coffee or tea at a place with character. It works in the afternoon or evening and leaves space for a walk afterward.
• A meal. Dinner or brunch gives you a table, long conversation and an easy exit.
• A walk with a stop. A park, waterfront or market, ending with dessert.
• An activity. Mini golf, bowling, a cooking class, a gallery or a game night. Doing something together gives you natural things to say and laugh at.
• A show. Music or comedy, followed by food.

Whatever you pick, make a clear plan so she is not left guessing. A man who suggests a specific place and time is easy to say yes to.

You can order a drink if you want one. Just keep it modest and do not make her the audience for it. If you feel you need alcohol to loosen up, think about why. Many men use it to cover nerves, and a date with a non-drinker is a good chance to practice being at ease without it.

If you can enjoy a conversation and make her laugh over coffee, you have learned something that works anywhere.

If you decide to skip alcohol altogether on the date, do it without announcing it. Order what you want and move on.

Women who do not drink fall into very different groups. Some have never touched alcohol. Some have quit for health or sobriety. Some are driving, training or taking medication on the night you meet. coach makes a related point in his ranking of red flags, saying that when a woman's past habits are behind her, he leans toward judging her on who she is now and what she is doing now. You can apply the same fairness: take her at her word and see how she lives.

Part of dating her may involve friends or events with drinking. A few simple rules:

• Do not offer her a drink more than once.
• If a friend does, step in lightly: "She's all set, thanks." Then change the subject.
• Have a good non-alcoholic option ready when you host, such as sparkling water, a good soda or a mocktail. It shows you thought about her.
• Don't disappear to drink with your friends and leave her alone.

A girl who does not drink is not hiding a flaw. What matters is how your lives fit together. If you drink socially, ask honestly whether that will bother either of you. If you love nights out and she prefers quiet evenings, you may need to compromise on how you spend weekends. If alcohol is a big part of your identity and social life, be honest with yourself about whether you can make space for her choices.

• Skip the "why" interrogation.
• Choose a place with something to do besides drink.
• Keep your own drinking light and unremarkable.
• Offer good alternatives without making a fuss.
• Pay attention to how she lives, and take her words seriously.

Dates without alcohol tend to be clearer. You both remember them, you both can decide with a straight head, and a woman who is relaxed with you in that setting is a good sign.