Book Excerpts: Don't Look Down (and Here's Why)

You walk up to a woman at a coffee shop. You say, “Hey, I wanted to meet you.”

Then your eyes drop to the floor.

She sees your head tilt down. She sees you look at your cup, your shoes, or the phone in your hand. She may not know why you did it, but she can see that you left the moment.

Your words say, “I wanted to meet you.”

Your face says, “I hope this goes well.”

People trust the face more than the line. If your eyes keep moving down, she may think you’re unsure of yourself. She may also start looking for a way to end the talk.

Keep your eyes on her face when you speak. You don’t need to stare. Look at one eye, then the other. Let your eyes move for a second when you think. Then look back at her.

A simple rule helps. When she talks, keep your eyes on her. When you speak, look at her for most of the sentence. You can glance away for a moment, but bring your eyes back before you finish.

A woman gives you an easy opening.

She says, “You look like you know good coffee.”

You smile, look at the floor, and say, “I come here sometimes.”

Now she has to carry the talk. She gave you a clear chance to play with her line, but your body pulled away.

A better answer would be:

“Then you’ll have to tell me what to order. I usually pick the same drink.”

You say it while looking at her. Your voice stays calm. You give her something she can answer.

Your eyes don’t need to stay locked on her face for every second. That would look forced. The goal is to stay present while you speak and listen.

Picture two men saying the same words:

“Hey, I like your style.”

The first man looks down, shifts his feet, and rubs his hand over his neck.

The second man smiles, keeps his head up, and waits to see how she responds.

The line is the same. The message is not.

The second man looks like he meant what he said. He can handle her answer, whether she smiles or walks away. That makes the interaction easier for both of them.

Women will sometimes tease you to see how you handle pressure.

You tell her, “You look like trouble.”

She says, “You say that to every woman.”

If you look down and rush to explain yourself, you give her control of the moment.

You might say, “No, I don’t. I mean, I just thought you looked nice. I wasn’t trying to…”

Now you’re defending a sentence that didn’t need a defense.

Keep your eyes on her and smile.

“Only the ones who look this guilty.”

Then stop talking.

You don’t need to prove that you’re a good man. You don’t need to explain every word. You said something playful, and she pushed back. You answered with the same calm tone.

If she says, “You’re kind of confident,” don’t look down and say, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to come off that way.”

Say, “You noticed.”

Then ask, “What are you drinking?”

The point isn’t to win a contest. The point is to show that a little pressure doesn’t make you shrink. Your eyes, face, and voice should all say the same thing: you’re comfortable standing there.

Most men try to fix eye contact while a woman is standing in front of them. That’s hard. Your body is already full of energy, and you’re trying to remember what to say.

Practice in normal talks.

When a cashier hands you your change, look at her face and say, “Thanks.” When a coworker tells you a story, keep your eyes on him while he speaks. When a friend asks you a question, don’t look at your phone before you answer.

You’re teaching your body to stay in the room.

You can also practice with a simple count. Look at someone while you speak for about three seconds. Glance to the side for one second. Look back. Don’t count out loud. The point is to stop darting your eyes around the room.

When you talk to a woman, keep both feet on the floor. Let your arms rest by your sides. Hold your drink low, not in front of your mouth. Keep your chin level.

If you notice your eyes drop, bring them back without making a big deal of it. Don’t jerk your head up. Don’t say, “Sorry, I’m bad at eye contact.” Just look at her and continue.

A guy I coached used to look at the floor each time a woman asked him a question. He thought he was giving himself time to think. Women read it as doubt.

He changed one thing. Before he answered, he took one breath and looked at her face. His answers did not become smarter. He simply stopped hiding while he gave them.

That changed the feel of his talks.

Looking up won’t make every woman like you. It will make your words match your body. She’ll see a man who can speak, listen, and handle her answer without searching for the floor.