Back Pocket Mentality, Pt. II: The Holding Pattern

A holding spot is a woman you contact without a clear plan to see her. You send a short message, get a warm reply, then let the conversation fade. A few days later, you send another message.

You might write:

“Hey, how’s your week going?”

She replies:

“Good. Busy with work. You?”

You answer:

“Same here. We should grab a drink sometime.”

She says:

“Yeah, we should.”

Then you never name a place or time.

You feel like you still have a chance with her. She feels like she has a man who may take her out if she wants attention. Both of you get a small hit of hope. Neither of you gets a date.

The signs are plain:

• You text her when you have no better plan.
• You avoid asking her out because you think she may say no.
• She answers, but does not help set a time.
• You keep checking her photos and guessing what each post means.
• You tell yourself the timing will get better.

A woman who wants to see you will still have limits. She may be busy. She may turn down one plan. But she will often offer another time or make it easy for you to suggest one.

A woman who only wants to keep you nearby gives you soft answers with no real plan.

The phone gives you a way to feel close without risking a clear answer.

If you ask her to meet, she can say no. That hurts for a few minutes, but it gives you useful information. If you keep sending light texts, you can avoid that answer. You also keep the idea that she may like you.

That idea can feel better than the truth.

A guy I coached had a woman in his phone for months. He sent her a message every few weeks. She replied fast and used smiley faces. He took those replies as proof that he should keep trying.

I asked him one question.

“When did she last agree to meet you?”

He checked the messages. She never had.

The smiley faces did not matter. The lack of a plan mattered.

You also stay in the holding spot when you want her more than you want a real answer. You may tell yourself that you are being patient. Often, you are trying to avoid the sting of rejection.

You do not need to insult her or cut her off in anger. You need to stop treating a vague reply as progress.

Your job is simple. Ask her out with a real place and a real time.

Do not send:

“We should hang out sometime.”

Send:

“Let’s get coffee at Pine Street Cafe at 6. Are you free?”

That message gives her something she can accept or turn down. It also shows that you can make a plan instead of waiting for her to carry the whole exchange.

If she says she cannot make it, read the rest of her reply.

If she writes:

“I can’t do 6. I’m free Saturday afternoon, though.”

She is helping you set the date.

If she writes:

“Can’t. I’m busy.”

You can offer one more clear plan:

“Got it. Let’s do lunch at noon on Saturday.”

If she still gives no time, stop asking. Do not send five more messages to pull a plan out of her.

You can write:

“Reach out when you know your schedule.”

Then leave it alone. Do not send a check-in the next day. Do not react to her photos to keep your name in front of her. Let her take action if she wants to see you.

Some women come back when they feel bored, lonely, or short on attention. She may send:

“Hey stranger.”

You do not need to punish her. You also do not need to act as if the gap never happened.

Answer with a plan:

“Hey. Good to hear from you. Let’s get a drink at Oak Bar at 7 on Thursday.”

If she agrees, set the details and go meet her.

If she sends more vague talk, bring her back to the point:

“I’m happy to see you. Pick a day that works for you.”

If she keeps chatting but will not meet, stop giving the chat your time. You are not trying to win a debate. You are checking if she wants to stand across from you at a table.

The same rule applies after a date. If you had a good time, ask to see her again. If she says yes but will not choose a time, give one clear option. After that, move on.

Do not keep a list of women you may use for comfort. Keep meeting women who show clear interest and make room for you.

The back pocket mentality starts with weak choices. You accept scraps because you are afraid of having nothing.

A better choice is to judge women by what they do. Does she answer? Does she ask you questions? Does she agree to a plan? Does she show up? Those actions tell you more than a warm text.

You should also judge yourself by what you do. Are you asking women out, or are you collecting chats? Are you making plans, or are you waiting for a perfect sign?

A clear answer may sting. A vague answer can waste months if you keep feeding it.

Give her one real chance to meet you. If she does not take it, put your phone down and talk to someone who will.