How to Approach a Woman on a Bus, Train, or Subway

Approach her once, keep it short, and open with something you can both see, like her bag or a delay everyone is stuck in. Skip the approach if she has headphones in or is absorbed in her phone, and if she gives you short answers, say "no worries, have a good one" and leave her alone. Transit is a hard place to meet someone because she can't easily walk away, so everything below is about making it easy for her to say no.

The sources we read don't agree, and you should know that before you walk over.

One piece argues buses, subways, and trains are a poor place to approach anyone. People there are usually stressed and want to get through the commute, and many women have dealt with harassment on transit. A Boston transit advice column takes a softer line: "You're allowed to approach a stranger. But if you are rebuffed, please retreat." It adds that everyone gets one chance to make a respectful pass.

Take both seriously. If you go, make one polite attempt, make it easy to decline, and accept the answer. Some people want their commute to be quiet time, and that has nothing to do with you.

Skip the approach when she:

• Has headphones or earbuds in
• Is wearing sunglasses
• Is absorbed in her phone, a book, or a laptop
• Avoids eye contact

If she is working or reading, wait until she looks up, or let it go. Don't wave at her or tug an earbud out to get her attention. That reads as rude.

Crowding matters too. Don't crowd her into a corner seat. A car with some space around you gives her room to answer or decline without feeling trapped.

Treat the approach as a filter, not a final exam. You want to know four things: are you interested in her, is she open to talking, can you hold a decent conversation, and do you come across as grounded and respectful. If any answer is no, you move on and the day continues.

Drop the outcome obsession. A stable frame is: "I'm going to be direct. If she's receptive, cool. If not, I'm still fine." Aim to come across as comfortable with uncertainty.

Look put together. Clean clothes, shoes in decent shape, good posture. In a close space your smell also counts, and the Complex piece notes that looking unkempt can get you mistaken for someone who's homeless.

• Don't rush, and don't hover at an angle like you're sneaking up on a deer.
• Stop at a comfortable distance. Don't crowd her into a corner seat or box her in.
• Keep your hands visible, and don't touch her, even by accident. Fingers meeting on a pole reads as creepy.
• Speak at a normal volume. Nobody wants a stranger performing for the whole car.
• Smile lightly when you open, and talk slower than your nerves want you to.

Your body should say: "I'm calm, and I'm not here to pressure you." The Boston column puts it as a shy-yet-hopeful guy who isn't looking to steal a purse.

The best opener is short, friendly, honest, and easy to answer. A simple formula is observation plus intent plus a question. On transit, the observation comes from what's right in front of you.

Openers that fit:

• If she's carrying something: "I've been looking for a new yoga studio. Where do you go?" (the Complex article's example for a woman with a yoga mat)
• A light remark with a smile: "Nice backpack." (from the Boston column)
• If you see the same person often: "I feel like I see you every day. You must work near me." (also from the Boston column)
• If she's checking a map: "Do you need help finding out how to get to where you're heading?"
• A direct, honest version: "This might be random, but you seem approachable, so I figured I'd introduce myself."

Shared situations also work, like a delay or a packed train. The Complex piece suggests joking about the other passengers or the transit system's inefficiency if you can't find anything else.

Be careful with a few classics:

• Her book. It's a common opener, so she has likely heard it that day. Use it only if you can talk about it.
• Where she's heading. The Complex article says it sounds like stalking and may send her to another car.
• Compliments on her looks. An unprompted one tends to get an eye roll.

Avoid lines that make you sound nervous or over-invested: "I normally don't do this, but..." and "Sorry to bother you, I know this is random, but..." Also skip long compliments about her body and anything that sounds rehearsed.

Once she answers, don't perform. Use the environment, ask one question, share a short piece of your own view, and follow up on something she says. Don't fire question after question, because that turns it into an interview.

Example:

• "What do you usually do on weekends?"
• "That sounds pretty active. I'm more of a 'coffee and one good plan' guy myself."
• "How did you get into that?"

Watch the first 10 to 20 seconds. Is she turning toward you, making eye contact, giving more than one-word answers? If she is closed off, don't force it. That doesn't mean you failed. Timing, a rough day, or a crowded car can end a conversation no matter what you said.

You have a built-in clock: her stop. If it's going well, say something like:

• "I've enjoyed talking to you. Let's swap numbers."
• "I like your energy. We should continue this sometime. What's the best way to reach you?"

Direct beats a speech. If it isn't going well, skip the ask.

If you see the same woman on your commute, you have another option. The Complex article suggests treating her as someone you get to know slowly, with short friendly chats over several days, rather than asking for a number after one conversation. A University of Chicago experiment reported by WNYC found commuters asked to talk to a fellow passenger found it more pleasant than they expected, so a light hello to a regular is a reasonable first step.

If she rolls her eyes, doesn't respond, or gives you short answers, that's your answer. The Boston column says to move away, look out the window, and let it go. If you get a dirty look, move to the other end of the car and don't take it personally.

Use a clean exit:

• "No worries. Nice talking to you."
• "All good, have a good one."
• "Take care."

That's it. Don't debate, sulk, follow her off the train, or try to win her over with extra effort. You don't need to punish her for not being interested, and you don't need to punish yourself either.

A coffee shop line is the same setup as a platform: strangers, shared wait, easy to start. You're waiting in line and she's ahead of you. You say, "This place always looks busy. Is it actually worth the wait, or are we all just pretending?" She laughs, answers, and the conversation opens naturally. If it goes well, you say, "You seem easy to talk to. I'm [name]." The transit version is the same move: comment on the shared situation, keep it light, and be ready to leave if she isn't into it.

You will have conversations that go nowhere and you will misread some situations. That's normal. Keep your opens simple, stay respectful, read her responses honestly, and learn from each one.