How Do You Figure Out Your Best Qualities for a Dating Profile?

Ask what you actually give a partner, ask two or three people who know you well what they value most, and write ten specific reasons a woman should choose you. Cut anything you can't back up with something you do. What's left is what your photos and first messages should show.

Grammarly's dating profile guide says people routinely misjudge their value. Some don't think they have much to offer, and others overestimate how much they do. Either mistake hurts you. The first gives you a blank profile, and the second gives you a profile full of claims she doesn't believe.

So don't start by staring at a blank bio. Start with questions that force a straight answer.

Grammarly's central question is "What can you give to your partner?" Thesaurus.com asks versions of the same thing: what makes you tick, what unique qualities you bring to your relationships, and what makes you a good friend or partner.

Write answers fast, without editing. Think about the last year of your life and look for things you do repeatedly, not things you wish were true. A habit you keep up is a quality. A goal you've never acted on is a hope.

Muddy Matches suggests asking friends what they most value about you, and notes the answers may surprise you. Grammarly says to recall what past partners told you they liked.

Send the same short message to two or three people:

"Quick question. What's one thing you'd miss about me if I wasn't around?"

You're looking for the thing that comes up more than once. If two people name the same quality without being prompted, put it on the list.

Muddy Matches also suggests asking friends for stories that show your personality, because a short anecdote tells a woman more than a list of likes and dislikes.

Thesaurus.com says to name the positive traits you admire in others and the qualities you enjoy in the people you spend time with. If you admire people who follow through, ask whether you follow through.

Now turn it into a list. Write down ten reasons you're the kind of man a woman should choose. Here's an example list:

• I take care of myself physically
• I'm highly ambitious and motivated
• I will take on the responsibility to provide
• I will take on the responsibility to lead
• I have discipline and self-control
• I will mentor a woman to do business with me
• I love to travel
• I will protect my woman
• I want to give more than I take
• I enjoy the pursuit of knowledge

Don't copy these. They're a model for how specific and how honest the list should be. Yours should sound like you.

Thesaurus.com adds that ambition isn't only professional. Cooking better or getting fitter counts too, so don't leave off a goal because it isn't a career.

Go down your list and ask one question of each line: what have I done in the last few months that shows this?

• If you can name something, keep it, and note what it is. That's your proof.
• If you can't, move it to a "working on it" list. Don't put it on your profile.

Grammarly's warning applies here. Being honest about yourself may cost you some matches, but it attracts better ones. A quality you can't prove will fall apart on the first date anyway.

An adjective doesn't do much. "Adventurous" on a profile is a claim, while a photo from a trip is evidence. Thesaurus.com lists words real users said stood out, including honest, optimistic, spontaneous, kind, funny and ambitious. A word like that works when something next to it backs it up. It also says "good vibes" can read as a red flag, to hold off on "fluent in sarcasm" until you know each other better, and that "don't" lists turn people off.

For each of your ten reasons, decide where it shows up:

• A photo. Strong photos should show the ten things that make you attractive: training, travel, cooking, you with friends.
• A short line in your bio, with a real detail attached.
• A first message, once you've matched.

Grammarly's advice on length applies. Keep the bio brief, be sincere, and don't tell her everything. Save some secrets for the date.

Your list isn't only for your profile. It's your material for conversation. A quality you've proven is easy to mention without bragging, because it comes out as a detail.

Here are two lines that do it, one about an active life and one about drive:

"We can play some basketball together, but I don't want to break your ankles :)"

"Honestly, I'm relieved that you're very motivated. I'm the type to kick us out of bed at 5am in the morning."

Neither one says "I'm athletic" or "I'm disciplined." Each shows the quality.

Your list is full of generic words. If every line could be on anyone's profile, add a fact. "I love to travel" becomes the place you went and what you did there.

Your friends say something you didn't expect. Take it seriously. If two of them name a quality you hadn't listed, it probably belongs on the list.

You can't get to ten. Write what you have and fix the rest by doing it. A short list you can prove beats a long one you can't.

You feel like you're bragging. The list is for you first. Your profile shows only the lines you can prove, and it shows them through photos and details, not claims.

Not sure you have value? Go back to the ten things you wrote down. When the date comes, you don't have to perform. If you don't believe you're high value, she'll see it in what you say and do, and the cure is the proof you collected in Step 5.