10 Steps to Not Get Raped in Your Divorce

Step 1: Leave if you face physical danger.

If your spouse has hit you, blocked a door, broken your phone, threatened you, or forced sex, treat the danger as real. Go to a safe home, shelter, police station, or hospital.

Do not meet your spouse alone to “talk things out” if you think they may hurt you. Take your children with you if you can do so safely. If you face danger at this moment, call emergency services.

Step 2: Tell two trusted people what is happening.

Pick people who will act, not people who will pass your private messages around. Give them your address, your spouse’s name, and a way to reach you.

Ask one person to keep copies of key records. Ask the other person to check in with you after meetings or court visits.

Step 3: Speak with a divorce lawyer on your own.

Do not rely on your spouse’s lawyer. Do not sign a property split, custody plan, or debt deal because your spouse says, “Sign it or else.”

A lawyer can explain your rights under local law. Ask about the home, bank accounts, debts, child care, support, and protection orders. If money is tight, ask a legal aid office about free or low-cost help.

Bring papers that show your income, bills, property, debts, and past threats. Your lawyer needs facts, not a perfect story.

Step 4: Ask about a protection order.

A court may be able to order your spouse to stay away, stop calling, leave the home, or stop sending threats. A lawyer, legal aid worker, shelter worker, or court clerk can explain the local process.

Keep a copy of any order with you. Give copies to your child’s school, day care, workplace security desk, or another place that needs to know.

Step 5: Open a private bank account.

Use a bank your spouse does not use. Pick a new password and a private email address. Turn on alerts for every charge and deposit.

Do not hide shared money or move large sums without legal advice. Write down each account you know about. Include savings, credit cards, loans, retirement funds, cars, and property.

Step 6: Save copies of important records.

Collect tax forms, pay records, bank statements, loan papers, insurance records, medical files, school records, and messages that show threats or abuse.

Save the files in two places. One copy can stay with a trusted person. Another can go in a private online account. Use a password your spouse cannot guess.

Step 7: Check your phone and online accounts.

Change your email, bank, phone, and social media passwords. Use two-step login when possible. Check whether your spouse has access to your phone plan, shared tablet, car app, bank alerts, or location settings.

If you think your phone is being watched, use a public computer or a trusted person’s phone to seek help. Do not announce every change you make.

Step 8: Keep contact in writing.

Use text or email for talks about children, money, and pickup times. Keep each message short and calm.

Write facts such as, “I will pick up the children at the school entrance at 3 p.m.” Do not trade insults. Do not send long messages at midnight. Your messages may later be read by a judge.

Save threats, unwanted sexual messages, and calls from blocked numbers. Do not edit screenshots. Keep the full message with the date and time shown.

Step 9: Meet in public or with another person nearby.

Use a police station exchange area, school entrance, lawyer’s office, or another public place. Bring a trusted person when your lawyer says that is safe.

Never meet alone in a bedroom, parked car, or empty home to discuss the divorce. If your spouse pressures you for sex, blocks you from leaving, or touches you without consent, leave if you can and report it to police, a hospital, or a local abuse service.

You do not owe sex because you are married, because you share a home, or because your spouse pays a bill.

Step 10: Make a child safety plan.

Teach your children which adult they can call. Tell them where to go if your spouse starts yelling or breaks things. Keep copies of custody papers with the school and child care staff.

Do not ask children to carry messages between parents. Do not question them over and over about the other parent. Write down what they say in their own words, then share it with your lawyer.

Keep a simple record of missed visits, threats, injuries, property damage, and police reports. Write the place, the people there, and what happened. A clear record helps your lawyer see what you need.

Divorce is hard enough without giving your spouse private access to your body, money, home, or children. A safe place, a private lawyer, and written records give you room to make sound choices.